If there’s one thing I hate more than anything else (well, that’s not strictly true as I hate most things, but y’get what I mean) it’s animals in clothing. For me, there’s just no need to dress your pet up like a fool; cats in hats, dogs in coats, canary’s in toupees and fake beak hair…madness. If the good Lord had intended Spot to wear a Hugo Boss suit he’d have made Hugo Boss a dog and canines would rule the world in an horrific re-visiting of Planet of the Apes, where over-sized poodles lead mangy human beings around parks on the end of twine and wait patiently while the whimpering homo-sapiens defecate in all the wrong places…

Anyway, my personal feelings on animal fashion aside, a few weeks ago I was called with a request from a guy in Austin, Texas asking me to quote for advertising work for his new business, DamPet®. The phone meeting was a bit weird and I can’t be bothered to type it all out here but here’s the gist of it: “I’m looking for advertising partners to help me revolutionize….the most incredible product the world has ever known….whilst taking into consideration the following….they said I was mad but I’ve  proved them wrong….we’ll be millionaires….large pants embroidered with the logo you design….perfect for all the family’s pets….branch out into hosiery for fish….etc”

What a fruit-loop – which to be honest would’ve been a better business concept than aquatic gear for the domestic house pet. Imagine it…fruit of differing colours and flavours, squeezed together in a large vat under extreme pressure, pumped out the other end into a long sausage shape, cut into lengths and then stuck end to end to form rings of fruit flavoured gunk. Perfect for kids lunch-boxes and birthday parties…or simply for those seeking a new way to enjoy fruit.

I thanked him for considering me as a partner and then informed him that he needed psychiatric help as quickly as he could pull himself away from his rubber workshop before he hurt himself…or others. Amazingly, he agreed with me and said that he’d go seek guidance that very day and that I’d saved him millions in R&D. I was joyously overjoyed with joy at helping out another human being (no, I wasn’t) and went home quite happy and contented (no, I didn’t).

I’d forgotten all about Mr Buck Worthington and his DamPet® initiative when this morning (yes…this very one) I received a package in the post from the USA. Obviously my first thought was porn…but no, it turned out to be the only DamPet® prototype in existence. Buck had sent it to me as a present to say thank-you for saving him a fortune.

Well, as you can imagine I was beside myself (not literally of course as that would have been impossible) and felt touched by a mixture of delight and revulsion.

However…seeing as the man who had once owned his own trailer and adjoining plastic shed in Happy Palms trailer park, but now resides in the Lincoln Heights Home for the Criminally Insane, had so thoughtfully sent me a box full of rubber, steel and hose attachments, it would have been remiss of me not to put them to good use. I called Echo (my Husky) in from the garden but the deep growl that issued from him upon sight of the DamPet® system made me realise that another avenue had to be explored.

So meet Paddy, my neighbours dog (they won’t miss him) modeling the DamPet® system in all its glory.